


Fairness

by ElwritesFanworks



Series: Grantchester drabbles [1]
Category: Grantchester (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Awkward Kissing, Bi-Curiosity, Boys Kissing, Christian Character, Drabble, Drinking, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Heterosexuality, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mildly Dubious Consent, Not Beta Read, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Period Typical Attitudes, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religious Guilt, Slurs, Surprise Kissing, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElwritesFanworks/pseuds/ElwritesFanworks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sidney is drunk, (again,) and being tormented by thoughts about Amanda and the War, and, somehow, Leonard winds up having a drink with him, with interesting results.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairness

**Author's Note:**

> A short one-shot inspired by season 1 of Grantchester - set midway through season 1, I'd say. Based on the idea that Leonard could easily find himself falling for a guy as lovely (and unattainable) as Sidney after the various ways Sidney's proven to be accepting/tolerant/nice to him. With some headcanons for Leonard. Because he's precious and lovely, bless him.

* * *

Sidney had lost track of exactly how many fingers of scotch he’d had since he’d woken up at half one in a tangle of sheets, sweating and panting like a racehorse, with his scar aching and gunshots ringing in his ears. Sleep would not be welcome even if it were to come to him a second time, so he settled for the next best escape he could think of. Alcohol burned his throat, while anger boiled his blood. The memory of Guy’s arm, protective, possessive, ‘round Amanda’s delicate shoulders had nearly lost its sting when the young vicar was startled by a tentative knock on his bedroom door. Just a few taps really; it was enough to tell him who was on the other side, even before the instigator of the knock spoke out in a quiet voice.

“Sidney? Are you awake?”

Sidney responded by getting to his feet and plodding over to the door, which he opened gracelessly. Leonard looked at him, wide-eyed, and tugged at the sleeve of his dressing gown. He furrowed his brow when he smelled the liquor on Sidney’s breath, and caught sight of the bottle and tumbler that sat on his bedside table.

“I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to disturb you, o-only… you’re not fine. You always say you are, but Mrs. M and I worry ever so much about you – when I saw your light on, I had to check…”

He trailed off, cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“You seem… well, not well, but no worse than usual. I’ll see you at breakfast –”

Leonard turned to go but a startling vice-grip on his arm kept him in place and almost made him jump out of his skin.

“Stay, if y’like,” Sidney slurred. “Hav’a drrrink.”

Leonard stared at the hand that was currently squeezing the life out of his limb.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea –”

“Please,” Sidney mumbled. “I can’t sleep’n all I see is her.”

Leonard nodded, shuffled forwards, and shut the door behind him. No sense waking the whole house with their conversation.

“How mmmuch d’y’want?” Sidney asked, searching around for another glass. He couldn’t find one so he refilled his own, handed it to Leonard, and kept the bottle for himself.

“I – ah – you filled this much too generously,” Leonard protested, but Sidney shushed him.

“Drinks first – then talk.”

Leonard’s eyes rolled skywards briefly and he offered up a silent prayer before screwing up his courage, and his face, and downing the shot in one. He shuddered and gagged and when Sidney offered him another, he shook his head.

“Suit y’self,” Sidney muttered, taking a swig. Leonard watched his Adam’s apple twitch with the movement. He shuddered a second time.

“Is it… is it Amanda… who’s… bothering you?” Leonard asked haltingly. Sidney shrugged.

“Some of it’s ‘manda. Some of it’s th’War.”

Leonard stared at his hands. He tapped his foot, fidgeted. He didn’t like alcohol – it made people unpredictable. Emotional. Especially himself. He wished he hadn’t touched a drop, and would have said as much if Sidney hadn’t suddenly started speaking.

“Sh’doesn’t love him, y’know. Her fiancé.”

Leonard blinked. The liquor was hitting him hard. He managed a sympathetic “oh.”

“Sh’shouldn’t marry a man sh’doesn’t love.”

Leonard nodded.

“Does she love you?” he asked. Sidney threw his hands up into the air in frustration, nearly spilling the contents of the bottle.

“I dunnnnnno! Bloody girls! Sometimes I envy you, y’know.”

Leonard immediately felt as though a ball of ice had formed in his gut. He swallowed, setting aside his tumbler and folding his now shaking hands in his lap.

“W-what do you mean?” he forced out.

“Because you’re… y’know.”

He managed to shake his head.

“A _paaaansy,”_ Sidney hissed in a whisper loud enough to wake the dead. “Ssss’okay – we all know about it.”

Leonard didn’t know what to say. He sat, staring at his hands as his panic mounted and the opportunity for denial passed, un-taken.

“I don’t try to be,” Leonard whimpered at last, eyes shut tight. “I’ve asked for God to set me right – really, I have –”

“Ssstop. St-top that.”

Sidney patted Leonard’s knee awkwardly, uncoordinated with drink.

“You’r’a good person,” he said. “Even if y’are a p-poof. N-nooo – no, regardless. You’r’a good man.”

“So are you,” Leonard responded automatically. Then, eager to divert the topic of conversation, “I am sorry. About Amanda. You really do love her, don’t you?”

Sidney grunted.

“Dunno anymore, really. Thought I did, but it’s madd’ning t’see her just… just give up on everything. Her dreams – our dreams.”

Leonard nodded.

“That must be terrible – and to see her so often. To have her coming ‘round… it must be like rubbing salt in a wound.”

Sidney nodded.

“I can’t tell her – the thought of losing her –”

“– is more painful than an eternity of inadequate little moments,” Leonard replied. Sidney looked up at him, eyes narrowing.

“How d’you –?”

“I know what it’s like,” Leonard murmured, all while his better judgement told him to shut his idiot’s mouth before he said something truly ruinous.

Sidney’s gaze softened.

“It’s awful, isn’t it?”

Leonard nodded. He felt giddy, tipsy, and a bit sick.

“What’s he like?” Sidney asked. _He. Only Sidney, with his jazz and his police adventures and his bloody grey areas could say ‘he’ as though it was entirely unremarkable. Entirely without sin._

“He... he’s clever,” he said, pausing to choose his words carefully. “And he’s lovely.”

“Good-looking?”

“Oh yes… terribly so. Very much out of my league, of course.”

Sidney nodded.

“Amanda’s th’same. Drives you mad, doesn’t it? The pining?”

Leonard considered this.

“I suppose… it’s difficult to say – after all, you’ve got a hope. That’s what makes it so painful for you. Whereas I’m content with my… little moments, such as they are.”

“Does this fellow not… care for you, then?”

Leonard forced a sad little smile.

“No… I’m decidedly not his type. Even if I was, what good would it do? I wouldn’t be able to – I couldn’t – and then have to face everyone on Sunday… I daren’t do it.”

Sidney furrowed his brow.

“Y’mean you never… not ever…?”

“Well, I mean… not… properly. I’ve… y’know. Kissed.”

_It had been in summer. His cousin, two years his senior, had kissed him on the mouth and asked him if he’d tell anyone about it. He’d said no, so she’d kissed him again. They’d been wandering in the forest. She was too tall for him to easily reach her mouth. A wasp had stung his ankle. He’d been thirteen._

Leonard felt a blush creep along his neck. Sidney suddenly reached over and placed his broad, warm hand on Leonard’s jaw, unsteadily. Leonard’s eyes widened.

“What are you –?”

Sidney leaned in, and all was lost.

His mouth was warm… soft. Leonard could think of little more than that when their lips met. Only that it felt as he’d always hoped it would feel, that Sidney was as skilled at this as he was anything else, even with the liquor in his system.

A reedy little moan burbled up from Leonard’s throat before he could catch it, and all at once, Sidney was retreating, his lips shiny and red, his eyes glazed.

“Y’deserve someone who’ll do that,” Sidney slurred. “Same as I do.”

Leonard nodded.

“Y’should tell him. Whoever he is. Tell him what he means t’you, before it’s too late.”

Leonard’s eyes filled.

“It’s already too late,” he whispered. “Sidney, why did you ki–?”

“Shh… go t’bed,” the blond demanded, laying his finger over Leonard’s lips in a clumsy shushing motion.

Like a coward, Leonard obeyed him.

Once secluded in his own room once again, he began to sob. He waited for his blood to settle, his arousal wilting with shame, his lips burning as though they’d been pressed to a red-hot brand.

Dickens heard his sniffling and bounded over, whining until Leonard lifted him up onto the bed, whereupon the black pup cuddled close to him and licked his face.

“It’s not fair,” he murmured into soft, jet-colored fur.

_Lord, why can’t it ever be fair?_

Dickens licked him again, but it did little to soothe him, for the dog provided nothing by way of answers.


End file.
